Author Topic: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)  (Read 463 times)

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Offline Bitten

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[ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« on: Wed, Jun 30, 2010, 12:41 PM »
VX 2010 Vampire Fiction Contest Entry

Title:  Untitled vampire story
Author:  Take a guess  :grin  MontgomeryBurns!
Rating:  R for language and general content
Category:  Original
Pairings:  None
Disclaimer:  The characters are all mine!  Mine!  MINE!
Archive:  Please ask me first.
Feedback:  Fuckin' yes!  Schmooze me, shred me, I love all kinds of feedback.
Summary:  Someone survives a car accident.  Or doesn't he?


There were no ceremonial songs and no candles.  But pain was there.  A dull, throbbing pain that was running in waves through my body.  And I was freezing.  Could you still feel the cold when you were dead?  Warily I tried to move first my right hand, then my left hand.  Seemed to be working.  Now the feet.  Seemed to be okay too.  So obviously I wasn't dead after all.  But I should be dead, shouldn't I?  I couldn't have survived the accident, right?  At the least I should feel much worse.  I had been in an accident, right?  In any case, that was the last thing I remembered.

We were out clubbing, me and my friends.  Partying, drinking, dancing, just having fun.  The usual stuff we  did every weekend.  At the moment we were hanging around at the 'Marquee', a plush bar with loud music, expensive drinks, obnoxious patrons, and very low lighting.

I was sitting at the bar next to my friends, nursing the drink Pat had just brought me.  Somehow tonight I didn't feel like talking and joking with my friends.  I don't know, for some reason the jokes seemed to always be the same stupid jokes, and also the conversations were kinda trivial, and I felt slightly bored.  So I started looking at the other patrons, not following my friends' convos any longer.

Lost in my own thoughts I suddenly noticed that a beautiful young man was approaching the bar.  He had shoulder length straight black hair, a nice body and was wearing black jeans and a black leather jacket.  And he had the nicest blue eyes I'd ever seen.

"Hi, mind if I sit down?" he asked, looking at the empty bar stool next to mine.
"Sure", I said.  I tried not to stare at him.  He was so beautiful, it was almost impossible for me to take my eyes off him.
"What're you having?" he asked unperturbed, nodding at my drink.
"I - erm, it's called 'Blood Lust'.  It's basically cherry juice and whiskey.  It's a stupid name for a drink, don't you think?"  I was talking nonsense.
"Sounds cool to me.  Hey bartender, could you get me a 'Blood Lust', please?  And another one for my pal here."  He nodded his head in my direction.
"Cheers!"  he said, after the bartender had brought our drinks.  "You come here often?"
"Yeah, almost every weekend.  I love the music."
"So you're into rock music, huh?"  He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes,  absentmindedly stroking the rim of his glass with his forefinger.  I noticed he had long, slender fingers, and that his fingernails were perfectly manicured.  He seemed to take good care of himself.
"I'm sure I've seen you before," he said after a short while, "but not in here, because tonight is my first night here.  But I've seen you at the 'Dark Side Club', am I right?"  He looked questioningly at me.

At the mention of that club, I stole a furtive glance at Pat who was sitting next to me, but he had turned his back to me and was busy talking with Tom and Cheryl, my buddies.  The 'Dark Side Club' was a fetish club I sometimes visited, but my friends weren't supposed to know about my - erm - "other life".  It doesn't bear thinking about what would happen if they were to find out about my dark desires...
"I have been there once or twice," I whispered, leaning in to him, afraid Pat might overhear what we were saying.
"So you just like the club, or are you actually into the fetish stuff?" he asked me, smiling.  His eyes twinkled, and his face seemed to light up.  Suddenly he looked so youthful and even more beautiful than before, if this were possible.

"I..." -

"We decided that we want to go someplace else!" Pat announced, shaking my shoulder.
I jerked involuntarily, startled by the sudden touch.
"Damn, Pat, don't touch me like that!  You fuckin' scared me!"
"You coming?"  Pat deadpanned.  "C'mon, finish your drink and let's get going!"
Suddenly everybody was in a big rush.

I looked back at my interlocutor, but he was gone.  Vanished without a trace.  And he hadn't even told me his name!  I was royally pissed.  I mean, one minute I was having an interesting conversation with a fascinating guy, and the other minute he was gone!  Just because my annoying friends wanted to go to another bar right in this fucking moment, I probably lost the chance of ever seeing him again!  Well, at least I knew that he visited the 'Dark Side Club' at least occasionally.  All the more reason for me to go there again...

I finished my drink, grabbed my jacket and followed my friends outside.

"Who's driving?" Pat asked.  "I am not, I've had at least one drink too many."
"Fuck, Pat, you were supposed to be driving tonight," Tom said.
"Yeah, and to stay sober," Cheryl chimed in.
"So what, shit happens," Pat shrugged, dangling his car keys in my face.  "You didn't have that many drinks, right?" he said to me.  "You drive!"
I didn't wanna drive, but as I was the one that seemed to be the most sober, I reluctantly grabbed the keys.  I mean, how many drinks did I have?  Not more than two or three, right?  I really wasn't that drunk, was I?  I mean, I was sure able to drive...

We all squeezed into Pat's Honda, me in the driver's seat, Pat riding shotgun, the others in the back.
"Let's hear some music!"  Pat fiddled with the stereo and after a short while some loud metal blasted from the speakers.

"So, which place you've decided on?" I shouted over the din at no one in particular.
"We go to the 'Plaza'," Tom shouted back.  "Just start driving."
"No, the 'Plaza' sucks, Cheryl said, "let's rather go to a discotheque, I wanna dance!"
"Yeah, let's go dancing."
"Yeah, cool!"
"So which place is it then?"
"What about the 'Cavern'?"
"The 'Cavern' again?  We've been there only last week!"
"Do you have a better idea?"

At a red light, I stopped the car.  "Which way now?  Have you made up your mind?"
"Turn right!"
"No, left!  The 'Cavern' is to the left!"

I stepped on the gas, wanting to turn left, when suddenly I was blinded by a bright light, shining directly into my eyes.  I heard an ear shattering noise and realized that everyone was screaming.  I was still wondering what the fuck was happening when I suddenly felt the impact.  We must have hit something.  The car started to skid, was somehow lifted and then we were all thrown about while the car overturned a couple of times.  All the while I kept thinking that I hadn't fastened my seatbelt...



I had a foul taste in my mouth.  I licked my lips - they seemed dry and cracked.  I was lying on my back on something hard.  I touched it - it felt like earth.  Earth?  Where the hell was I?  What had happened to me?  Slowly I opened my eyes.  It was dark.  I could see a few clouds above, with some stars shining in between.  I moved my head a little, afraid it would hurt.   The first thing I noticed was a dark slab next to me.  I tried to focus, it looked like a gravestone!  What the...?

I had to know where I was!  We hadn't been near a cemetery when we crashed!  I was sure of that!

Suddenly I felt very scared.  Something was happening here that was not normal. I tried to sit up, careful, because I was still in some kinda pain.  And I felt nauseous.

"Shhh, easy easy," I heard someone whisper.

I turned my head in the direction of the voice, and there he was: that beautiful guy from the 'Marquee'!  He was sitting next to me, as if he was keeping watch over me.

"What are you doing here!"  I croaked.  "What the fuck happened?  Where are we?"
"Shhh," he said again, "all in good time."

Despite the pain and the nausea I felt, I eventually sat up and looked around - we were indeed on a fucking cemetery!  Now I really started to panic.  I mean, we had been near the city center when the accident happened.  So someone had to have brought me here, right?  But why?  I mean, after the accident I was supposed to be in a hospital, right?  Had people thought I was dead and buried me here?  But then, I was still in my regular clothes!  I mean, if I had died, I mean sort of, people would at least have dressed me in something more appropriate, right?  All this didn't make sense, not at all.

I grabbed the guy by his shoulders.  Damn, I still didn't know his name!

"Tell me what happened!"  I cried.

"You were in a car accident.  You were thrown through the windshield.  You were dying.  I brought you here, and I gave you some of my blood to save you.  I am a vampire.  The only chance at survival you have is if I turn you into a vampire too."

I stared at him.  A vampire.  He was kidding, right?  I mean, vampires exist only in movies, right?

"You can't be a vampire," I said, "you don't sparkle."  Where did that come from?  Too many bad movies?

But he seemed unfazed.  "Real vampires don't sparkle," he said.
Then he bit his wrist so that it bled and held it out to me.
"C'mon now, you have to drink my blood.  You need to be strong to survive.  Besides, you will feel better afterwards."
For about a second I stared at his wrist, dumbfounded.  I thought I would throw up any second, I felt so nauseous.  But all of a sudden I realized that is was not nausea I felt, but hunger.  I was ravenous.  And the dripping blood looked really mouth watering to me.  I bent forward and grabbed his wrist.  Greedily I drank his blood, until he pulled his arm away.
"Easy, easy," he said.  "We have all the time in the world now.  An eternity."  And then he kissed me.
« Last Edit: Mon, Jul 19, 2010, 01:26 PM by Bitten »

Offline Furyan Goddess

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #1 on: Mon, Jul 19, 2010, 01:40 PM »
Very nice Monty!  Never thought this one was you.  The I mean's threw me off.

Good story.  I enjoyed this one greatly.  The paragraph breaks first made me thing Silver, but she's so busy... I forgot about that. 

Nice job!

Thanks to Sil for siggie!

Offline AM Gray

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #2 on: Mon, Jul 19, 2010, 04:55 PM »
yeah - i agree it sounds like silver writing monty - which makes perfect sense right?

poor guy is having a great night and then it just gets worse or maybe better - i suppose it depends on your interpretation

well done Monty

Offline Pamela

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #3 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 10:46 AM »
This was a great read and oodles of fun guessing about.
I kept bouncing back and worth between you and Janine.
Enthusiastic header. Fetish. The "I" is male. The
Quote
Feedback:  Fuckin' yes!  Schmooze me, shred me, I love all kinds of feedback.

 header smirk. Male. Fetish.

Male smirk won out.

Loved it Monty.

pamela


Super siggie by Silsin

Offline Janine

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #4 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 12:11 PM »
Quote
There were no ceremonial songs and no candles.  But pain was there. [...] In any case, that was the last thing I remembered.

Great opener there! Makes you hang on to find out what's happened before all the pain.
Quote
"Sure", I said.  I tried not to stare at him.  He was so beautiful, it was almost impossible for me to take my eyes off him.

I can relate to that; he would have me staring, too!
Quote
"What're you having?" he asked unperturbed, nodding at my drink.
"I - erm, it's called 'Blood Lust'.

With special emphasis on the Lust part, hm? :giggle
Quote
But I've seen you at the 'Dark Side Club', am I right?"  He looked questioningly at me.

Looks like someone got caught.  And I can understand the part about friends not knowing. Even if you're very relaxed about your sex life, sometimes there are people who really don't have to know.
Quote
"We decided that we want to go someplace else!" Pat announced, shaking my shoulder.

Lousy timing, Pat.
Quote
Well, at least I knew that he visited the 'Dark Side Club' at least occasionally.  All the more reason for me to go there again...

Sounds like a pretty good incentive to me.
Quote
"Turn right!"
"No, left!  The 'Cavern' is to the left!"

They make me roll my eyes.
Quote
All the while I kept thinking that I hadn't fastened my seatbelt...

Tsk tsk tsk. :giggle
Quote
I had to know where I was!  We hadn't been near a cemetery when we crashed!  I was sure of that!

I would've been creeped out!
Quote
"You were in a car accident.  You were thrown through the windshield.  You were dying.  I brought you here, and I gave you some of my blood to save you.  I am a vampire.  The only chance at survival you have is if I turn you into a vampire too."

And you'd be nuts to say no. ;D
Quote
"You can't be a vampire," I said, "you don't sparkle."  Where did that come from?  Too many bad movies?

Yeah, definitely. Or bad books, whichever medium one prefers. :giggle
Quote
"Easy, easy," he said.  "We have all the time in the world now.  An eternity."  And then he kissed me.

This is beautiful! He thought he'd lost the guy and now they can stay with each other forever. :love

:giggle I think that even if I hadn't known about the writer my guess would have been you, Monty. I really love this story!

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #5 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 12:25 PM »
Thank you for your feedback!

Furyan Goddess, heheh, so my paragraph breaks misled you, huh? :laughter

mrstrentreznor, I think the story has a happy ending for the guy.  I mean, he thought the vampire was an attractive and fascinating person, so having the chance of being together with him should be something he'd appreciate, right?

Pamela, heheh, I couldn't resist, I had to mention the word Fetish.

I am so happy that you all like my story!
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #6 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 12:47 PM »
Great opener there! Makes you hang on to find out what's happened before all the pain.

Yeah, I thought I had to capture the reader's interest in the first sentence.  They do it like that in movies, and I thought I'd try to copy that style.
Quote
I can relate to that; he would have me staring, too!

Yep, I'd stare too...

Quote
Looks like someone got caught.  And I can understand the part about friends not knowing. Even if you're very relaxed about your sex life, sometimes there are people who really don't have to know.

:sing

Quote
Lousy timing, Pat.

Hehe, the "perks" of bein' with a group of friends...
Quote
Sounds like a pretty good incentive to me.

Yep, for me too.  Especially if I had already been to the club and liked it there.
Quote
They make me roll my eyes.

I tried to capture the situation with several drunk friends all crammed into the car, everybody hyper, shouting, loud music...

Quote
Tsk tsk tsk. :giggle

Yeah well, it had to be a serious accident...

Quote
I would've been creeped out!

Everybody would've been, I'd guess.

Quote
Yeah, definitely. Or bad books, whichever medium one prefers. :giggle

Actually when I wrote this, I was thinking of the Twilight movies, which I don't really like.  I haven't read those books, and I don't think I ever will, especially not after I've read your - erm - review in the Twilight thread. :grin

Quote
This is beautiful! He thought he'd lost the guy and now they can stay with each other forever. :love

Actually, that last sentence was a last-minute addition...

Quote
:giggle I think that even if I hadn't known about the writer my guess would have been you, Monty. I really love this story!

 :bow Thank you for your wonderful feedback, Janine!  And c'mon, be honest, the mention of the fetish club gave me away... :grin
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline Janine

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #7 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 12:58 PM »
Yeah, I thought I had to capture the reader's interest in the first sentence.  They do it like that in movies, and I thought I'd try to copy that style.

And you managed perfectly! I really love the stories that give me vivid images while I read, and yours definitely did.
Quote
Yeah well, it had to be a serious accident...

I know. I just wanted to be a smart-ass. *lol*
Quote
Actually when I wrote this, I was thinking of the Twilight movies, which I don't really like.  I haven't read those books, and I don't think I ever will, especially not after I've read your - erm - review in the Twilight thread. :grin

You won't miss much, trust me on that one. :giggle *starts running from the Twi-hards*
Quote
Actually, that last sentence was a last-minute addition...

Which doesn't make it any less good. ;)
Quote
And c'mon, be honest, the mention of the fetish club gave me away... :grin

Yeah, well... it was a tiny clue, I have to admit. :laughter

Offline Bitten

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #8 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 01:20 PM »
Monty, I would have guessed you as well, but not because of the fetish mention. This is what gave it away for me:

Quote
Author:  Take a guess  :grin


LOL! That is SO you! :)

Quote
There were no ceremonial songs and no candles.  But pain was there.

Definitely an attention-getting beginning. The first paragraph is great - it draws you in and lets you know that something different is happening. It's eerie, but it gets you curiosity so you can't stop.

Quote
I don't know, for some reason the jokes seemed to always be the same stupid jokes, and also the conversations were kinda trivial, and I felt slightly bored.

Obviously, it's time to move on. This make the rest of the story feel like it's meant to be.

The mention of the fetish club and the paragraph spacing would have made me think this was Silver, for a minute....

The conversation with the drunk friends was very realistic. lol Who hasn't been in a similar situation? Only without the vampire.

Quote
And then he kissed me.

I love the ending!

Offline Silsin

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #9 on: Tue, Jul 20, 2010, 02:51 PM »
Not only do I love the ending but the whole story. Well written, Monty! Another story with a graveyard, but so completely different from the others.

There is no reason not to follow your heart! Steve Jobs

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #10 on: Wed, Jul 21, 2010, 11:34 AM »
Bitten, Silsin, thank you for reading and leaving feedback!

Quote
Obviously, it's time to move on. This make the rest of the story feel like it's meant to be.

Actually I just wanted to provide the setting so that the guy would be willing start a conversation with the vampire. :grin

Quote
The conversation with the drunk friends was very realistic. lol Who hasn't been in a similar situation?

Yeah, been there, done that.  And way too often.  :giggle

Quote
Another story with a graveyard, but so completely different from the others.

Pretty fascinating to see how many writers used the graveyard pic, and yet the stories are totally different.
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline paulmtk

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #11 on: Fri, Jul 23, 2010, 12:15 PM »
Great read that had me wondering if the main charrie was male or female, very clever!
 
Quote
All the while I kept thinking that I hadn't fastened my seatbelt...

 Amazing the things that go through ones mind during crisis; well done!!
 
Quote
"You can't be a vampire," I said, "you don't sparkle."  Where did that come from?  Too many bad movies?

  :evillol  this did it for me; Male main charrie won out as did knowing it Monty's distinct personality
 
The convos of the main charrie/friends and his thoughts about being in an accident, panic about being a cemetary, all were very realistic and yet you still kept the reader in the dark about the kind of relationship between the interlocutur (learned a new word!) and main charrie!   :headbang

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #12 on: Sun, Jul 25, 2010, 11:50 AM »
Thank you for your detailed feedback, paulmtk.  I am happy you enjoyed the story.

Great read that had me wondering if the main charrie was male or female, very clever!

Heheh, that was my intention.  Although in the header, at the end of my summary, I revealed the main character's gender.

Quote
  :evillol  this did it for me; Male main charrie won out as did knowing it Monty's distinct personality

You mean the 'too many bad movies'?  Yeah well, you got me there.  I guess I need to get a life.  :wicked
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline ban sidhe

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #13 on: Mon, Jul 26, 2010, 10:32 AM »
Loved this story, M!  The way you portrayed the typical metro-sexual attitude of the guy's friends... priceless! And his anger and confusion was depicted perfectly.   Yes, I knew it was a guy.  You did say 'he' in the header, after all.  Good read, would like to know where he goes from here.

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #14 on: Mon, Jul 26, 2010, 01:00 PM »
ban sidhe, thank you for reading and leaving feedback!  I am glad you enjoyed it!

Quote
The way you portrayed the typical metro-sexual attitude of the guy's friends... priceless!

Actually, when I wrote this, all I had to do was to think of my real life friends... :laughter
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline ban sidhe

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #15 on: Mon, Jul 26, 2010, 06:11 PM »
 :-[  Oooo!   Sorry!

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #16 on: Mon, Jul 26, 2010, 10:03 PM »
Don't be sorry!  They're not always like this. :laughter
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline NorthernLights

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Re: [ORIGINAL]Untitled Vampire Story[1/1][R][FIN] (Monty)
« Reply #17 on: Sat, Dec 01, 2012, 04:27 PM »