Author Topic: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren  (Read 143 times)

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Offline Bitten

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[Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« on: Sun, Jun 19, 2011, 12:02 PM »
Winner of the VX 2011 Vampire Fiction Writing Contest!!

Title: Worst Job in the World
Author: Cyren
Rating: R (Language)
Fandom: I mention all kinds of vampires from  Blade to True Blood to Twilight and others
Archive: VX only
Feedback: Yes please!
Disclaimer: I don't own any vampires unfortunately so the ones mentioned here all belong to their creators. I on the other hand created the girl in the fic.
Summary: A woman explains why she resents her job.

---

I have the worst job in the world. Seriously. I know that thereís that guy on TV that goes around trying out other peopleís crappy jobs but I can promise you that he would never try mine. You see, my job is a secret. I canít tell anyone what I do because I could end up as a victim of fangulation or Iíd be locked up in a lunatic asylum, and hospital gowns are so not my style.

So, I bet your wondering why I keep doing my job if itís so horrible. Well, I tried to walk away from it but itís not really the kind of thing you walk away from once you know that you are Ďthe oneí. I wish I wasnít the chosen one but apparently Iím it. Me. Plain, boring me who chose her job because it was the most stable thing she could think of.

You see, I picked my profession not because it was glamorous nor would it bring me fame. In fact I was quite happy just blending into the crowd and my job was just part of that. It paid the bills and thatís all I cared about. That was until I found out that the stuff of nightmares and horror movies were real. Okay I know what youíre thinking but Iím not crazy! Just hear me out.

Vampires.

I know youíre probably thinking Iíve lost my mind but I assure me, Iíve done all the online psych tests and Iím not crazy. Vampires exist; they are as real as you and me.  Now there are all different kinds of vampires. Sparkly good ones, sparkly bad ones, flesh and blood ones that bleed like a bitch when you stake Ďem, creepy chin splittiní ones that look like humans crossed with those creatures from Predator. Even ones that can turn into animals when they want to which is a little weird for me given my recent boyfriend but Iíll explain later.

Now about my job, you see ladies and gentlemen I am a dentist. And since my life has become infested with vampires, I am the dentist to the vampires. ĎTHEí dentist, as in Iím the only one. I know, you were probably expecting something different right? Slayer, hunter or death- dealer. Nope, Iím a dentist.

Itís a hard life, itís not every day that people try to bite you and suck your blood while you work but thatís my lot in life. It sucks, (pardon the pun) that I canít have anyone around to help me either,  I go through a lot of assistants or to be more accurate my clients go through a lot of my assistants. It hard enough to get someone whoís willing to work the odd hours I do and put up with the inherent danger that my profession has without losing them to the dark side.

Firstly, interviewing someone for the job is awkward. I mean most people donít know about vampires. And thereís me telling them that they have to work around them on a regular basis. Some candidates just think Iím nuts and run away. Others stick around for a while because they are curious and when it becomes clear that vampires are real, they totally freak.  But then there are the rare ones that stick around but eventually leave.

Iíve had every excuse under the sun. Some of the assistants tell very honestly that they canít work around vampires because they are too scared. Fair enough, I am scared so I canít expect them to be fearless. But the worst is when they donít tell me the truth. Instead they make up some crap.

Worst excuses?

1)      I have a rare blood type and I might be needed to save someones life someday.

2)      Dog ate my homework and I have to go and redo it.

3)      Iím a vegetarian and cannot endorse working with vampires who just wonít give tofu a go.

4)      Iíve got my period.

That last excuse is legitimate however that excuse was from an male assistant...so you see, it really is hard to get good help. It is rare to find someone who will stick around after that and I train them, my Ďclientsí sink their teeth into my assistants. Now some of my former assistants are at the receiving end of my instruments and they are so condescending about it too. They waltz in with this high and mighty attitude like Iím beneath them because theyíre now immortal and I am merely a meal on legs that happens to clean their teeth. Grrr! Itís enough to make me want to stake them!

So how did I end up in my line of work? It sort of snuck up on me. Well, he snuck up on me, took me hostage and forced to participate. The bastard; I still havenít forgiven him.

I was leaving the office late one night when I thought I heard something behind me and when I looked there was no one. It was a little eerie in that Ďpsycho-waiting-in-the-creepy-garageí kind of way and when I turned back towards my car there was this man standing inches from me. I opened my mouth to scream bloody murder but he moved so fast and had his hand clamped over my mouth.

ďShhhh. I am not here to hurt my lady. I am in need of your assistance.Ē

His strange hypnotic eyes almost glowed in the dim light, they were beautiful eyes that I could stare at all day, in fact I could just stare at him all day, he was beautiful. Great, this guy was probably going to kill me and Iím lusting after him. Downside of the long hours Iíve been putting in at work, it really doesnít leave a lot of time to get laid. I was pretty sure that my virginity was growing back at that point.

ďNow, Iím going to remove my hand and I am asking that you not scream.Ē

Scream? I was mentally calculating how long it would take to remove my clothes and have this guy screw my brains out. Belatedly I realised that he was waiting for me to make some sign that I agreed to his hostage taking terms. I nodded slowly.

ďGood. Now, I am in need of your professional services.Ē He removed his hand from my mouth and stepped back.

Damn that southern accent was sexy. ďMy professional services?Ē

ďYes...You work at the Dentique Clinic do you not?Ē

I nodded dumbly.

ďWell then I am in need of your services.Ē

ďThereís a 24 hour clinic a mile from here-ď

He tilted his dark head sideways a little and shook his head. ďItís a little crowded there tonight and I donít want to wait. If itís money you are after, I assure you that I can pay.Ē He patted his jacket pocket and smiled.

Damn, that smile was sexy. ďUm...okay. Whatís the problem?Ē

ďI seemed to have cracked a tooth. My canine to be precise.Ē

Now why a human dentist and not a vampire one? Well like I explained there are lots of different kinds of vampires and they donít particularly like each other all that much. A human like me is the best alternative for all of them. I am neutral and potential prey for all of them so Iíll do the job or become dinner.

I grimaced at the thought of a cracked tooth, they can hurt really badly, this guy was so stoic in the face of all that pain. ďLetís go upstairs and get you fixed up.Ē

Back then, BVIML (Before Vampires Invaded My Life) I had a boring job that paid the bills and I liked it that way. Itís not exciting in anyway but exciting is overrated. Trust me. Now that Iím the dentist to the vampires, Ďboringí is no longer in my vocabulary. I travel around the world, meet all kinds of vampires and deal with their teeth issues. Oh Joy. I can hardly contain my excitement.

If youíre thinking that vampires donít have teeth issues just think about it for a little while. They use their teeth for hunting and letís face it; a lot of them are pretty vicious when they...íeatí. Sinking their teeth into peopleís/animals necks/blood bags, itís a lot of wear and tear on the teeth.

The bad sparkly ones need me because they tend to fight a lot and they end up cracking their teeth. Plus, they arenít exactly too good with dental hygiene, so thereís a fair amount of cleaning that I have to do. After all, blood does stain badly. And then thereís the centuries of plaque? Ugh...I swear I almost need a jack hammer sometimes. I try telling them that they should take care of their teeth otherwise theyíll end up with fake teeth. Could you imagine a vampire with dentures?!

I donít particularly like working with the bad sparkly ones, Iím never quite sure if they are going to test their newly cleaned and fixed teeth on my neck but Iíve been assured that Iím safe from them. For now.

The good sparkly ones, like my first vampire patient, they crack their teeth rarely but still I schedule half-yearly cleanings for them. They seem almost normal. Well as normal as vampires can be.
My first vampire client was the good sparkly kind, Daniel who cracked his tooth after roughhousing with a friend. I didnít ask what kind of roughhousing requires the use of teeth.

The chin splitting ones are creepy but I make sure I show them my staking kit as soon as they walk through the door and they are mostly well behaved after that. Though Iím fairly sure Iíll end up staking one of them any day now. They just donít understand limits; they canít understand that no biting really means no biting. Besides, if I was going to become a vampire Iím sure as hell not going to become one of the chin-splitting ones.

I bought the vampire staking kit online. Itís got everything I need and while its useless against the sparkly kind, thereís enough in it to take care of the rest if I need to. Handy eh?



The flesh and blood vampires rarely visit me after the recent Ďincidentí. And I have to say Iím glad they are staying away. It was such a terrible inconvenience, I am still cleaning specks of blood off the ceiling, and they are messy when they explode after being staked. Thereís also the fact that they can hypnotise you into doing what they want and that gives me the heebie-jeebies. I am the dentist, I am the one who is supposed to be in control of the client not the other way around.

Anyway, back to my first vampire client. Iíd settled him into my chair was about to examine him when he caught my hand just above his mouth. ďBe careful.Ē

ďMr. Trentham I have been a dentist for a while and I understand that some level of anxiety is normal when visiting a dentist. I can assure you that Iíll be as gentle as I can and as quick as I can.Ē I smiled at him reassuringly.

ďIím not worried about me. I am worried about you.Ē His hand around my wrist gentled a little.

I stared down at him in confusion. ďWhy would you be worried about me?Ē

ďJust relax and know that Iím not here to hurt you.Ē He smile beguilingly and I almost got lost in his eyes.

ďUhh...Iím the one who normally hurts people in this chair.Ē

His low chuckle was full of mirth as he let go of my hand.  ďWell, my teeth are quite sharp and I wouldnít want you to cut yourself on them.Ē

I snorted and shook my head. ďIíve been doing this for a while now, and Iíve yet to cut myself on any one's...tooth. Now just lie back and relax and Iíll give you something for the pain.Ē

Daniel smiled at me like I was some sort of silly little child. ďItís not just a tooth, itís a...fang of sorts.Ē

I eyed the door and wondered how quickly I could run away from this lunatic. ďFang?Ē

ďYes, fangs. Now if you cut your finger, the venom will get inside you and turn you.Ē He sat up in the chair and tilted his head sexily.

ďTurn me? Like...Lesbian?Ē

He laughed. ďNo, I mean youíd turn into a vampire.Ē

Why are all the hot guys taken or bat-shit crazy?

ďVampire?Ē

ďYes.Ē

I made a half choked kind of laugh. This man was crazy and he was going to kill me.

ďIím not crazy and Iím not going to kill you.Ē

Huh...exactly the thing a crazy murderer would say right before he pounced on his hapless victim. I couldnít believe that this was going to be the way I died. I thought about all the things I hadnít done in life, how over cautious Iíd always been. Everything had to be perfect and in order, Iíd wasted time alphabetising my shoes and my closet when I could have been out living...I wasted the last few hours of my life on figuring out my tax return that wasnít due for ages. What a waste.

ďUmm...okay. So youíre a vampire. Well...Iím not licensed to practice on vampires so I donít think I can help you.Ē I started pulling my gloves off when he was up and out of the chair and had me in his arms faster than I could blink. I stared at him incredulously. ďHow did you...Ē I trailed off.

And he showed me. And boy was I shocked.

So that was my introduction to vampires.

My experience so far with vampires? Most of them are okay I guess for blood sucking creatures. In fact Iím being a little harsh really. Iím on really good Ďacquaintanceí terms with a lot of them. Donít get me wrong if Iím out on the town and I see one, Iíll still cross the road to avoid them but Iíd wave from the other side of the road. Some of the vampires I know like Daniel and a few others...well they are a little too friendly for my liking really. They seem to think that vampires and prey can be friends. Yeah...Iím not buying that. It would be like me being friends with a chicken while constantly threatening to have it for dinner. See...just doesnít work.

Daniel, the good sparkly vampire/first vampire client seems to think that itís his lot in life at this point to protect me from the other nasty vampires. I ask him whoís going to protect me from him...he had no answer for that question.

And then thereís Julian...sigh (Yes, Iím actually sighing over a vampire despite all my previous bitching.) Julian is well...it hard to describe him. He tall, with dark hair that is longer than it should be that gives you that feeling that you just want to run your hands through his gorgeous black hair. He has these amazing grey eyes that can look right through you. But I canít trust Julian. Heís the flesh and blood kind that can turn into animal but also has some sort of mind control powers. I donít know if I really am in lust with him or if heís telling me Iím in lust with him. Asshole.

So against my best judgement I...Iíve been on a couple of dates with him. Vampire dates, not normal mundane human dates. You know, Ďpicnic for the human on top of the Empire State building after its shutí kind of dates. Iíd have been happy with a movie at the Cineplex.

Iíve even been to his house which is the huge looming monster of a mansion. Its early Georgian manor crossed with the house from Psycho. I think Julian thought he was going to get laid when he showed me his house. In fact it was doing the opposite. Super effective method of promoting abstinence, better than a chastity belt.

Donít get me wrong, it was very rich and decadent and beautiful in a Gothic kind of way but it wasnít to my taste. I like shabby chic, vintage wallpaper, polka dot teas sets, doilies and frilled cushions. I donít think my stuff would really blend with his stuff. My future as Mrs Julian Vampire was looking highly unlikely.

Julian was especially proud of his room. Being the flesh and blood kind of vampire means that Julian is the kind that canít go out into the sunlight. If he does then he does a very good imitation of the Human Torch. So he needs a dark room and boy does he have one!

His Ďroomí was in fact a crypt. Yep, a crypt. His cool hand held mine as she showed me around. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. And it wasnít because it was dark and disgusting in fact I think heís even brightened the place up with lamps just for me.



He looked at my face so expectantly and I managed a smile. ďItís very...nice... itís so early...horror movie.Ē That did not come out right. I looked away and wondered if this was the worst date Iíd ever been on. It was by the way, I mean here he probably thought I was impressed by the size of his crypt and I was insulting him. And thatís real clever of me...insult a vampire while youíre in his lair.

I donít think Iíll be dating Julian anymore. Itís not just the whole sucking blood thing. There are too many reasons why we canít be together. Firstly like I said before Iím not sure if Iím actually attracted to him or if heís just screwing with my mind and making me feel that way. He says heís not but I have trust issues and not just with vampires.

Secondly, if I sleep with him does that make me someone who participates in necrophilia? That would be weird and just plain gross.

And then thereís the fact that Julian can shape-shift into an animal. He says he prefers wolves because theyíre sexy and frankly I have to ask just how sexy does he find wolves? I mean are there a bunch of half-vampire wolves out there in the wilderness because he took a fancy to Cujo?!

Since that first night with Daniel, Iíve met many vampires and since then thereís something looming in the back of my mind. Especially now that I went and staked a vampire.  It wasnít my fault. Really.

He was one of the flesh and blood kind. I had just finished fixing his tooth when he decided to take a little sip. Now when I say no biting I mean no biting and before you know it I had shoved a stake into his chest. Ruined a perfectly beautiful pair of shoes with the resulting mess but I digress. I really miss those shoes.

So, my problem. Well, vampires are a vindictive bunch. And because I killed one of them; Iím more than a little worried that someone will come to rip my head off and drink my blood. And after consulting with all of the vampire powers-that-be, apparently the only choice is for me to become a vampire.

Iím a little suspicious that all of the different kinds of vampires think I should become a vampire, I think theyíre all hoping that Iíll turn and then theyíll have a dentist forever. Well, I have news for them, if I become a vampire Iím not practicing dentistry anymore, theyíll just have to suck it. (Again, pardon the pun.)

Nope, no more dentistry for me if I have to be a vampire. I plan on retiring and travelling the world. When I told Daniel this he looked at me as though Iíd lost my mind. He told me that new vampires tend to be a little bloodthirsty. Ugh...so not looking forward to that part; I mean Iím the type of person who likes her steak so well cooked that its just a couple of seconds away from being carbon. But I donít have a lot of choices, become a vampire or die...well die as in the normal Ďdieí not the Ďimmortal dieí if you know what I mean.

Daniel of course thinks I should let him have the honour of making me one of the undead but I have the sick perverse need to pick another kind of vampire just to piss him off. In all honesty Iíll probably end up going with his kind of vampire seeing as they donít do a human torch impression in sunlight.

Daniel seems to be happy that Iím not fighting the idea of being a vampire, but itís really the lesser of two evils. Die and be buried or die and come back as something else. Iím not done with living yet so Daniel really does have to stick around and be my watchdog while I make up my mind.

Iím beginning to suspect that Daniel has feelings for me and not the kind that one has for a really good piece of steak but like actual feelings that could be romantic. Ugh...not sure on how to deal with that one. If I have a relationship with him it will be over my dead body.

Get it? ĎOver my dead bodyí? A little vampire humor there.

Anyway I was working out the other day at my place (I have to lose the weight now because if I Ďturní at this weight Iíll be this way for the rest of my undead life and I donít want to spend the next century moaning about my weight.) Daniel told me not to bother because he thought I was sexy.

ďSexy?Ē

ďDead sexy.Ē

Oh ha ha. Like thatís so funny. He seemed to think so and he spent a good five minutes laughing at his joke. More vampire humor.

So...you see, I really do have the worst job in the world. On that fateful day I went to work, did my taxes and tried to help a man fix his broken fang. And the thanks I get for it...death by fangulation and an eternity with a smart ass vampire.

I should have stayed home in bed.

---
« Last Edit: Mon, Jul 25, 2011, 06:47 AM by Bitten, Reason: Added writer\'s name »

Offline DragonFire

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #1 on: Mon, Jul 25, 2011, 10:00 AM »
Loved the story, babe.  Funny as hell. :D

Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #2 on: Mon, Jul 25, 2011, 10:06 AM »
I absolutely love this story.  It is well written, funny, and the plot is one of a kind.  I mean, to think up a story of a dentist for vampires!  A dentist of all things!  Fuckin' awesome!  I for one have never heard of such a story before. 

I like how you include all known kinds of vampires, the sparkling ones, the chin-splitting ones etc.  And when you mention Julian's crypt, absolutely hilarious!

Quote
He looked at my face so expectantly and I managed a smile. ďItís very...nice... itís so early...horror movie.Ē That did not come out right. I looked away and wondered if this was the worst date Iíd ever been on.

This had me laughing out loud.

Awesome story.  You definitely have to write more!
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline Cyren

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #3 on: Wed, Jul 27, 2011, 05:43 AM »
Thanks DF and Monty! I had fun writing this one and I really wanted to do something different.

I expected there to be more serious stories for the comp and then some sexy stories as well and I couldn't decide which way to go and wanted to do something really different. I started thinking about the human things that vampires don't get to do and I hate going to the dentist so the idea just formed in my head and I thought...What if a dentist needed a vampire?

And I ignore the ridiculous idea for a few days and I put it down on paper just for fun and I thought I'll at least get it written and if it was good then I'll post it. It was fun to write it and i'd like to continue it. explore the crazy world of a vampire's dentist.




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Hatari A SpyChix Story
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Offline Montgomery Burns 13

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #4 on: Wed, Jul 27, 2011, 08:53 AM »
Quote from: Cyren
It was fun to write it and i'd like to continue it.

Yes please!  It would be so cool if you continued the story!
Who needs love when you've got a gun, who needs love to have some fun. Black Flag
Feelings are overrated. Dean Winchester



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Offline paulmtk

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #5 on: Fri, Jul 29, 2011, 09:25 AM »
Yep, this is a one of a kind plot Cy!  Unique but makes sense when you think about it . . .  vampires, fangs

The humor had me going as well as the hit on all types of other vamps and how you gave them an offbeat personality from the perspective of their human dentist!

Definite vote for you to continue!

Offline Silsin

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #6 on: Fri, Jul 29, 2011, 11:44 AM »
Congrats on winning, Cy! This was truly a unique topic for a vampire story and I enjoyed reading it very much!

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Offline AM Gray

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #7 on: Fri, Jul 29, 2011, 05:52 PM »
congrats on the win... i'm not sure it would be the worst job in the word, pretty sucky hours... and some health and safety issues, but at least she could charge whatever price she wanted...

Offline Cyren

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #8 on: Tue, Aug 02, 2011, 05:07 AM »
Thanks peeps! I had fun writing this and I'm glad that others found it at amusing as I did :b

congrats on the win... i'm not sure it would be the worst job in the word, pretty sucky hours... and some health and safety issues, but at least she could charge whatever price she wanted...


Oh I don't know...its not every job that ends up with having to die and become one of the undead.


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Offline NorthernLights

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Re: [Original/Various] Worst Job in the World [R] by Cyren
« Reply #9 on: Sat, Jun 01, 2013, 06:43 PM »